From the deepest depths of my memory, comes the feeling of loneliness, one that has played in my mind, since primary school.
Being an only child I made friends easily. Although I was quiet, I was naturally drawn to other people and when we used to go on holiday I always came away with a new friendship. I was easy going and a bit of a people pleaser, I guess I wanted everyone to like me. That was true for me, for many years.
A memory that stays with me to this day
Just one negative comment would bring up such feelings of self-doubt and anxiety that I would rather agree with someone than risk them having bad thoughts about me.
In primary school, I had a couple of close friends, but I always wanted to be a part of the popular crowd. It never happened for me though, as I was not the traditional beautiful child. My best feature was my long blonde hair, but with my unruly curls that was usually a bit of a frizz bomb. I practised ballet for 10 years and though my body was strong I wasn’t exactly petite. I was awash with freckles and turned pink in the sun. I didn’t feel as though I had a lot going for me. So, one day when one of the popular girls invited me to her birthday party I was over the moon! I felt so honoured to be a part of her birthday celebrations. The plan was that we would all go to Deborah’s house (that was actually her name) after school and have tea.
On the morning of the party, I was so excited
I put on my clothes and did my hair. I tootled off to school with her birthday present in my school bag, all wrapped up in beautiful paper. I was planning on keeping it in there so it would be a surprise (I like giving surprises). The day passed pretty much as any other, but I was dying for the school bell to ring so that I could spend time with the ‘in’ crowd at the after-school party. The girls that hung out with Deborah were all giggly talking about the party, and I was keen to be involved. When the last bell of the day rang, I was beaming! I thought ‘This is it!’. It was like a dream come true for me, I was going to hang out with the popular girls, I thought I’d made it!
As we all filed out of the classroom and made our way to the school gates, I could see Deborah’s parents waiting to take everybody to her house. I walked over with a big smile on my face, with her present in my hand. Deborah saw me coming and was ready for me when I got there. She saw her present and smiled, as I handed it to her. It felt like a great moment until I noticed a couple of the other girls stood behind Deborah, laughing.
Now, something didn’t feel so good, there was nothing worse for me than having people laugh at me.
Ridicule was a terror for me, which is probably why I still don’t like to be the centre of attention.
I soon found out that I actually wasn’t invited to the party, that it was just a joke. If the ground could have opened up and swallowed me right there and then, I would have been so grateful. I didn’t know where to put my face, I was mortified. I felt like such a fool, of course, the cool kids didn’t want to hang out with me and have me spoiling their party. Why had I even thought that was going to happen? On my walk home I felt so lonely and stupid, and embarrassed. I didn’t know how I was ever going to face them again.
The next day was terrible, as they were all talking about the fun they had had at the party. I kept away from them, I couldn’t bear to be near them hearing them laugh and joke. They were also laughing at me, which made everything 10 times worse.
After that experience, I stopped trusting people.
For many years, even into my teens and twenties. Whenever somebody invited me to something I wondered about their intentions, and whether I was being the butt of the joke again. After all, why would somebody really want to hang out with me?
Now, after 40+ years, that memory is still there, but the pain has gone.
The scar was so deep that I actually took it on board as a belief. I truly believed that nobody liked me for who I was. As with all limiting beliefs my subconscious mind kept trying to find proof to validate its existence, constantly repeating the memory in my head. Every time I met someone new I imagined them talking about me behind my back. I suppose it was a kind of paranoia.
When I started working with the law of attraction and mindset I began questioning this belief. I wanted to know why I had it, I couldn’t see any logic. Did everyone feel like that or was it just me? Not even my friends ever knew how I felt, as I didn’t talk about it openly. That would just give them more to talk about, wouldn’t it?
Diving into my mind I suddenly remembered that fateful memory of Deborah’s birthday. I didn’t even know why that memory had come up. All of a sudden, I was reliving that moment again. I had to, in order to get through it. It was uncomfortable, but I looked at the scene again and realised that what happened had nothing to do with me. It said nothing about my personality, but more about theirs. I then rewrote the scene, edited the memory. That’s the beauty of the subconscious mind because perception is personal I was able to see what was happening in my movie playback and perceive it differently. I was no longer the victim in that story, and I can tell you that the release was beautiful!
I felt relieved that I no longer had to beat myself up over the seed, that had been planted, in my mind, by someone else.
Exploring the mind and its power has since become a passion of mine. It houses so much information that is tucked away, yet still drawn upon. One of my most favourite parts of coaching is looking at the limiting beliefs, because not only is it fascinating, but most people don’t actually believe that they have any! Once they come up though, boy do you see them for what they are. Total charlatans! If I could give you any advice, it would be don’t believe everything your mind tells you. Question it. Ask it why that is true. I bet it won’t be able to justify itself!
What limiting beliefs can you find that are causing you upset, or holding you back?
Sending you lots of love and blessings, from the heart.